Trump Pledges to Destroy World for Inexplicable Reasons

Above: President* Trump

It may surprise some readers to learn that we here at The Dissident Peasant believe that climate change should be considered the top issue of all of humanity, from the littlest guy to the most powerful lord. Through industrial activity human beings have rendered themselves capable of turning the earth into a desert, and stopping ourselves from doing so simply must be done!

But opponents to this pretty simple peasant-focused risk assessment have thousands of petty objections and perfectly irrational reasons to support their position. The classic “It isn’t happening!” remains popular (if less so than in recent decades), but its cousin “it’s happening but it will mostly be a wash” has appeared, and gems like “it’s too expensive” and “China and India aren’t going to help anyway so…” have hung around.

However, the man currently illegally occupying the office of the presidency in the United States has introduced a new reason into the annals of debate: !?!?!?!?

The United States will pull out of the Paris Agreement on combating climate change, President Donald Trump announced Thursday, a decision that makes good on one of his key campaign pledges but deals a devastating setback to international efforts to curb global warming.

…the diplomatic fallout will likely be harsher than when President George W. Bush rejected the 1997 Kyoto climate agreement.

When that administration refused to implement the deal in 2001, other nations knew that the U.S. disapproved of giving developing countries a pass on emissions, and the reduction target was more aggressive. But the terms of the Paris Agreement were brokered to meet U.S. demands.

The reaction “will be substantially worse because when we rejected Kyoto, other countries understood why,” Susan Biniaz, the State Department’s long-time former lawyer on climate change issues, told HuffPost Thursday. “But in case of Paris, it’s inexplicable why we would be leaving. We negotiated it largely to U.S. specifications and to fix the Kyoto problems.”

I’ll sum it up: The Kyoto Protocol was a crack at doing something about global climate change. The GOP howled that it wasn’t fair that developing countries didn’t have to meet equitable standards. The US then negotiated a new agreement that specifically addressed those issues, and our so-called President just blew it up because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

I mean, it doesn’t really matter why because any reason why is stupid, but I still want to take a stab. The Paris agreement was negotiated under President Obama, who is a well-known non-white person who humiliated Donald Trump once or twice. Trump decided to pull out for the same reason he decided to pull out of the TPP- Obama wanted it, so he didn’t (The TPP would have been AWESOME for our modern feudal overlords, commonly known as corporations, to whom Trump is normally quite sympathetic).

Alien anthropologists visiting the hulking remains of the planet once known as Earth will be astounded to learn that the leader of the richest and most powerful country on that planet decided to destroy it, because another human with slightly different skin pigmentation he didn’t like wanted to save it.