Jeff Sessions Is Playing To An Audience of One

Above: Artists’ rendering of an extremely racist and impish-looking man.

Imagine you are the “beleaguered” Attorney General of the semi-senile orange fascist currently occupying the office of President of The United States. You had to recuse yourself from investigations into said president after becoming his earliest senatorial supporter (and because you embarrassingly perjured yourself in your confirmation hearing).

That same previously-mentioned fascist has been making it clear, whenever he can, that he’s not happy about this investigation, and was counting on you to shut it down, which you don’t feel you can do. You truly enjoy your job, shutting down the civil rights division and litigating against plaintiffs looking for freedom from discrimination based on perceived gender roles, keeping people from voting and ramping up the drug war- lifelong dreams in danger of a sudden death, because you might get fired.

What to do…well, what does Trump like? Junk food, gold stuff, twitter…and television:

Attorney General Jeff Sessions threatened to pursue and prosecute anyone who leaks sensitive government information, and consider subpoenaing members of the media who publish those leaks, in a briefing at the Justice Department Friday morning.

The briefing about ongoing ongoing leak investigations Friday came a day after the Washington Post first published leaked leaked transcripts of President Trump’s January phone calls with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull. Sessions condemned those leaks as dangerous to national security, and noted the number of unauthorized leaks has “exploded” under the Trump administration. Mr. Trump in recent days has called Sessions “very weak” on prosecuting leakers, in Twitter tirades.

Mr. President, Mr. President, look at meeeeeeee! Look, I’m sorry, I’ll even go after the “fake news” you hate:

But leakers aren’t the only ones who will come in the crosshairs of the federal government. Sessions also said the Justice Department is reviewing its policy related to subpoenaing the media when leaks are published. Members of the media, “cannot place lives at risk with impunity,” Sessions said. The Trump administration — which regularly derides the “fake news” media — has already suggested stepping up legal recourse against the media for publishing “fake” or leaked news.

Please, I’m sorry, just let me stay! Look, I’ll start throwing REPORTERS IN JAIL for refusing subpoenas if that’s what it takes!

In Sessions eagerness to please his boss by appealing to his worst authoritarian tendencies, he claimed that recent leaks have harmed national security and put lives at risk. He cited no specific examples since Jan. 20th, and I can’t think of any- leaks from Trump’s illegally occupied office are generally either back-biting between fascists or tips on various ridiculous schemes and memos that were flushed once exposed to daylight. The one example he did cite was the recently leaked transcripts of calls between Trump and the leaders of Mexico and Australia- and while I generally agree such conversations should remain confidential, Trump is so batshit insane in them that whoever leaked them probably thought people should know (and if it was the Mexican or Australian governments that leaked them, concerns about their ability to speak confidentially become moot). It’s also clear to me that no lives were depending on said transcripts remaining secret.

I would bet Trump enjoyed the performance, and Sessions slightly improved the odds of keeping his job. It’s just too bad that he had to wipe his ass with the 1st amendment to achieve this.